So, I'm driving down Allisonville and I'm in the left lane. Why? Well, the right lane merges into the left lane in about 200 yards. This happens many times a day, as this is my route home. So, I am very accustomed to what is about to happen. But, nonetheless, it still drives me abso-fucking-lutely bonkers every time.
I glance over to the right and I see Cowboy Bob in his pick up truck. His dog "Skeeter" is in the back. His wife sits beside him touching up her 3 foot thick foundation of makeup, while spraying a fresh coat of Aqua Net Hairspray into her State Fair hair.
Cowboy Bob looks over at me while chewing on a tumbleweed and tips his hat. This is a sign that it's "Go Time." It's time to play a little game of chicken. So, like all men in my family that posses a common trait called ROAD RAGE, I floor it and give him no room to squeeze into my lane. For fuck's sake, he knew his lane was merging, he call fall behind. I win this round; but, like I said, this scenario plays out many times a day. Depending my mood and how the day went, decides whether I turn into Tony "Scotty" Stewart, or Ja-Ja-Ja-Ja-Jimmy Stewart.
If you are over the age of 80, I'm not shittin' – YOU need to turn in your driver's license. Either that, or you have to use the pedal on the right. It is called the "gas" pedal. Use it!
If you drive on the highway, I have 2 BIG rules that everyone needs to start using:
Use your Cruise Control damn it! You people that drive up on my ass, I get over to let you pass and then you decide to let up and let me drive right up on you… for God's sake man, if I didn't have a son to take care of I would like to just drive right into your ass like Kobe in Colorado!
Do not sit in the left lane. This is the FAST lane. It is your duty as an American to get over to the right and let me pass you. I don't care if a Semi is 300 yards away, let me get around you. You can come back over and clog up the highway after I zoom past.
SIDENOTE: all police officers reading this, remember that Scotty's Brewhouse offers uniformed officers 25% off, daily. I also only drive the speed limit. If you still aren't impressed, then go back to eating your donut, Ponch.
A few other miscellaneous peeves:
Unless you want a serious case of whiplash, use your turn signal. GMC put it on your car for a reason.
If you are in a convertible and you have the top down, why do you put the windows up? If it is to protect your hair, it is too windy or too hot/cold – then put the top back up dildo.
If you have a bumper sticker that says something like, "My kid is on the Honor Roll at…" I've given Slater permission to kick your kid's ass when he is in school.
Please don't put more than 2 bumper stickers on your car. (allowing for a Scotty's sticker and a Colts sticker).
If you are shopping at Marsh or picking up some treats for Spot at Petsmart, do me a favor. Just respect the fact that I'm in a 3000 pound machine that could make you look like a Bloody Mary Pancake. I'm gonna' let you walk by; but, just be a little respectful about it. Maybe a little wave to say thank you. Or, maybe that fake "run/walk" where your legs still go the same speed; but, your arms are moving quicker – to give the illusion that you are walking quickly to get out of my way.
Alright, I'm sure I'll think of more as I drive around today. If you have some you'd like to add, I'd love to hear from you, post your pet peeves here.